A fantasy chat show by Adam Thorn
Like most people I hate daytime TV chat shows- in fact any chat shows for that matter. Sadly that first sentence was untrue. I do hate chat shows, however millions of imbeciles seem to tune into them daily, presumably while being force fed their soggy Frosties, unable to change the channel due to the TV being locked in a cage high up in the corner of the communal "recreation room". I have no real justification for my hatred except I think they're rubbish. Ok, prejudice, my justification is that I think the people on them are usually so unworthy of my time and undeserving of sympathy that I can't bear to watch them. I find the shows excruciating and would also have a problem with their being hideously exploitative if the fuckwits on them advertising their heroine addiction/ child rearing inability/ promiscuity/ poverty weren't so pissing chuffed to be there.
With this aversion to them, which can be so strong my skin takes on a separate life of it's own like the alien in "the Thing" and tries to crawl away from the TV faster than the rest of my body, I usually just don't watch them. It's a fair enough deal I think, it keeps a nice balance. I get to not be bothered by it simply by not watching it, pre menstrual girls all over the UK get to sob uncontrollably while drug addict scum weeps and confesses sorrow and love for hideous malnourished girlfriend, said scummy couple get to stay in a Forte Posthouse for one night in their miserable life- everyone's happy. It's a simple diversionary tactic I wish people who are easily offended and like to complain to "Media Watchdogs" took, I find this offensive- I just won't watch it so then I won't feel like I have to aimlessly complain about it.*
Having said that, this morning I read in some Daily Tab while thumbing through trying desperately to find some form of cleavage to pacify me during the commute to work that a "married, sanctimonious TV presenter has been told by his boss to stop sleeping with the researchers on his trashy show or face getting the sack". Now while I honestly couldn't care who it was, it did make me instantly think of Jeremy Kyle. Most talk show hosts are holier- than- thou twats who swan around an audience of A level students and Daily Mail reading housewives whipping them into a bloodthirsty (outraged) frenzy at the fools in the stocks before them, but Jeremy Kyle is the most sanctimonious. Now I'm not for a moment accusing him of cheating, I don't even know if he's married. It did however make me think of a TV talk/ chat show that I would definitely watch.
"Today on the Jeremy Kyle Show- a talk show host who just can't keep it in his pants, his wife wants answers, but he says he was staying at his friend's house talking through the next show!" Now Obviously Jeremy Kyle hosts the show, and he's still does for this episode- he's just a guest too.
It begins with Jeremy Kyle marching around the audience telling them of the evil deeds this man has done, accusations from runners and researchers from the man's show are revealed, he has a thing for role play according to one. There are cutaways to a tearful yet beautiful woman who we perceive to be this mans wife backstage. Kyle tells us the man has agreed to take a lie detector test to clear his name, asks the audience if they want to meet this man (who all bray "yes!") and then finally, as the catchy but forgettable music builds, like something from a David Copperfield act- Jeremy Kyle walks out on stage.
Without any introduction, as there is no host, Jeremy begins to explain himself. "I was staying at a mates to discuss new shows. It's a busy schedule so I had to stay round. This has happened twenty or thirty times." Head bowed, but unashamed Jeremy continues to work himself up at the injustice he's been done, he's a different man from the presenter in voice and attitude, less, smug. "I'll take a lie detector test Jeremy. I will, if it means she'll believe me." He says looking up where he would be standing.
He then gets up from his seat and wanders into the crowd, his body shape, voice and language changing as he does so he is the Presenter once more. Putting his hand on the shoulder of a very shocked and confused looking middle aged woman and staring into camera he says "Now I'm going to see what the audience wants to say to Jeremy".
The audience are confused to say the least and the questions are very numb and not at all cutting or insightful, which given they are talking to an empty chair on an empty stage while the man who should be there walks among them staring intently stroking his chin is hardly surprising. The most biting statement is "I love your show Jeremy, but what have you done? You're ruined your credibility."
Retaking his seat Jeremy Kyle stares back at the audience for a while silently. Only his eyes and hands move, nervously flicking. His baggy eyelids look as if they are becoming heavier as he, and the show, wait for something to happen. This is the place any normal TV show would put in adverts, but this is my TV show and I deplore commercialism, besides I want you to watch the whole. agonising. thing.
After a few minutes the audience begin to heckle, and Jeremy who is now pale and drawn, seems to snap out of his trance. "I, was never really loved. She never loved me, pushed me away" he says. "The other girls were nothing, it was her I wanted, I didn't want the chains, the spankings, the dirty, depraved things I did with those girls. I wanted her, but felt like she thought she was above me and looked down at me."
"No you didn't! You're just a sad little man who can't be loyal because he's just not decent enough! Your wife gave you everything, two kids, a lovely house to come home to every night despite having her own job." Kyle screams back at himself, true to form of the presenter and person he usually displays on the show. The audience, perhaps thinking this is part of the show begin to rally behind Kyle the presenter and shouts of "yeah!" can be heard from the crowd. "Be a man and own up!" Kyle shouts from his chair into his own shoulder, red faced and stern looking with his body twisted as if trying to separate from itself.
The shouting continues, at first from Jeremy and Kyle and then just from Kyle the presenter, unleashing his and the audiences scorn and disapproval on his now sobbing alter ego. In a way reminiscent of Gollum and Smeagol Kyle shouts himself into submission while the audience cheer and applaud. Eventually challenging his self- righteous- self, the guilty Jeremy rises up and punches himself in the face. Hitting back, the man stands alone onstage, punching and wrestling himself like a small child. The bodyguards employed by the show encroach slightly on the space, unsure how best to treat the situation. After a flurry of tantrum- esque fighting Jeremy Kyle collapses on the floor crying. The bodyguards come on and carry him off stage. As he leaves you can hear Kyle sob loudly, "I never meant to hurt anyone!" Now we have a commercial break,as we're on ITV2 there has to be one somewhere.
This being my fantasy however the adverts in the break are a little different from the sanitary towels, Sheila's wheels and thrush cream you'd expect for this show. There are three for beer, all offering knock down prices so good George Bush would fall off the wagon for them. He has already you say? Robin Williams then. Him too? Ok offers so good Sir Salman Rushdie would be down Whitechapel Tescos in full knight gear gasping for a tin. There's also a soap advert from France, for obvious reasons and I may as well throw in one of those brilliantly funny egg adverts from the 50's with Tony Hancock in which have just been banned.
After the break, which has been so good you didn't leave to make a cuppa, are desperate for the loo still and currently crave alcohol, an egg and a naked French lady, Kyle is back. With some slight bruising on his face and his suit crumpled, he begins to explain. "Before the break we met a man who's risked everything by going behind his wife's back and having sordid affairs with girls he works with." There is not a hint that Kyle might be talking about himself. "Now, Jeremy has confessed and after some tough talking, has confessed. Now we have his wife backstage and she wants to speak to him." The audience clap, some of them not bright enough to realize something is slightly wrong here, others just enjoying the action too much to want to leave. "Please welcome, Sophie"
Out walks Mrs. Kyle looking upset and very nervous. She sits down and Jeremy sits opposite her. "I'm sorry" He blubs, instantly getting up walking over to her and crouching by Sophie's shoulder. Putting the microphone to her lips "Is there anything you want to say to Jeremy?" says Jeremy. Sophie is staring at him, she looks terrified. "Wh, what do you mean? I, can't understand why you've done this Jeremy" still staring at Jeremy kneeling by her. "Don't say it to me, say it to him" says Kyle firmly.
Sitting back down Jeremy begins to sob again, this time angrily. "You pushed me away, you made me feel unwanted." "So was it a sexual issue then?" he asks himself. "Mainly, yes, she has a low sex drive and she made me feel dirty and unwanted for not being like her." Sophie reacts angrily "I gave you everything, I put up with your stress and tantrums. I even let your strange behaviour pass!". "Liar! I have never acted strangely!" Shouts Jeremy back. Shooting up from his chair, arms thrust back aggressively initially, Kyle then stands between his wife and where he was, palms flat, arms outreached like a barricade. Looking him up and down Sophie shouts "Jeremy you're fucking crazy!" the curse is bleeped. Jeremy's right hand comes thundering across to hit Sophie but his left hand grabs it. He wrestles with himself again before jumping at Sophie. The two fall to the floor screaming, crying and flailing arms at each other. The bodyguards rush on and separate the two, Jeremy's tie is skewed and shirt ripped open, Sophie's top has come down and both or her breasts are exposed. She is too angry to care and waves away a bodyguard's effort to pull her dress back up. "Get out of my life, you're ruining everything we tried to create, you've lost the plot and now you've lost me and the pups." She is talking about her children, not referencing her fine breasts which still dance with her anger for the audience.
Gasps can be heard from the crowd. The camera cuts to them, people are walking out in disgust at Sophie's unashamed nudity. Some remain however, eyes glued to the stage. Pulling her top up Sophie looks straight at the camera. "You're sick for watching this, you're all sick, turning this into a spectacle for your entertainment. You too!" she screams at the crowd.
"You chose to come on here" a boy in the crowd shouts from the back.
Sophie storms off stage. Jeremy is still being held back by the two burly bodyguards, "You can't do this! I'm you're boss! This is my show!- Soooopphhiieeee don't go!" Finally letting Kyle go the bodyguards return to their positions. Kyle is now bloodied, tired and completely out of his fucking tree. Wheezing he tries to give a final piece of advice. It is lost amongst his heavy breathing and him stopping to swallow the blood that has filled his mouth. He keeps saying he's learnt his lesson.
"If, I've learnt one thing today… If there's… What you've seen today is a man who… I've learnt my lesson… I'll never betray her again… Sophie I love you... I'll prove it." Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a pen. "This won't do, has anyone got a knife?!" he shouts. This time the audience all do leave, in a panic as if he had revealed a Mac 10. A bodyguard approaches but backs off when the pen, lid off, is thrust at him one handed. With the other hand Jeremy has reached to his trousers. You can't hear or see clearly over people rushing past the cameras and screaming to be let out of the studio, but he's trying to do something.
The lights go out, a camera is knocked over. In the dusk of an empty studio we see Jeremy Kyle sitting down legs apart, centre stage, hacking at his manhood with a Parker fountain pen. The studio is empty and all we can hear are his sobs.
Then the finish screen cuts in. A Granada Production For ITV.
*On a side note- 80 people complained about a scene in Eastenders the other night where a character was chained to a bed and almost, almost given a caesarean. Not one person that night (or more shockingly over the last 20 odd years it's been on) has complained about the fact that Eastenders is badly acted drivel and could quite easily be given a slot at 6.30 so as to ensure you get it and Hollyoaks off the screen by 7pm and the decent programming can start, the stations could all have a deal and ITV could put Corrie on the
